The Edge — so inviting — 3 ways to be kind to yourself

This is important — yet everytime I try and get it down on paper, screen, I find I disappear down so many rabbit holes. Makes it no fund to read and definitely means that it will not do the job I want it to do.

This writing, for me, is supposed to be a life raft. Yip a life raft, a mental survival aide, a soothing place to come to when the demons have set up camp in my head and burning everything around. As the shade of my mind goes black, the soul turns to soot, hope becomes an ending, bravery becomes a rope and it seems time to check out I want somewhere to come to. I want to read something that can see the pain, that can see the landscape and offer me a rope to hold onto until it passes.

I need to be told when in the middle of that burned, charred, dying, pain focused blackness these things. It is not certain it will work. There is no certainty in such a place. Walking along the precipice, peaceful pain free emptiness on one side, pain and failure on the other, lost love and opportunity behind and hope dying ahead I want help.

Now here is the kicker. Today, in my nice, friendly, hopeful, productive mind I can see such a different landscape.

  • Son is starting college — so proud of him and so glad he is out of school where isolation and bullying grew to institutional proportions. He will need me.
  • Daughter looking around for a flat for her second year of uni — if not she had her room set up upstairs to move in. So positive, chilled, tender steps into the big world. A loving creature she is — one that I could never hurt.
  • A family, with its dysfunctions for sure, but with a step challenge underway with Australia (sisters family), sister taking Dad to hospital — keeping us informed, brother arranging a run for tomorrow and lunch with Step-Dad today. It kinda works doesn’t it — messy sure and lots of troubles and striges below the surface but fuck we have sons, daughters, nieces and nephews that look to us to set the tone. It is worth fighting for.
  • A growing, new, relationship. Staying the night she is, tonight, she is sensitive but massively kind soul — what she sees in me I have no idea.
  • Friends — there are many — who I have let slip away from my day to day existence for sure (military and diverse working life of a contractor to blame — not the friendships themselves) but they are there. Good friends, friends who make me proud, friends who I would want to care for if they were in a similar position.
  • Phyiscal health — so much yes — just off to do a cycle now and reating heart rate falling to the 40s now. Fitness regime starting to work.

Today, so close to yesterday, is hopeful. I am grateful for what I have and the people in my life are so worthy of loving. Loving deeply, with passion, with cell deep purpose and energy — they deserve the best of me even if, yesterday for example, I could find nothing to offer myself let along another.

It passes. It passes. It passes. It passes. It passes.

It FUCKING passes. Please here me — stay on the life raft, huddle down in the cold winds of that ledge, stay alive until time passes and help comes. Even if it is only you that walks over the horizon or throws that line. Stay alive, huddle down, protect self.

STAY ALIVE PLEASE. Just for one more day — let the sun come up. Please. You matter — god I fucking love you so much. YOU MATTER. YOU ARE so so so PRECIOUS.

Love from your “normal” self.

Ooo shit your still here — looking for the three ways?

  • LOVE— it is not with you at the moment I know — but if you will just look to your fingers or face in a mirror if you have ugly/missing fingers (humour is good — even black fucking humour — trust me!). Look at that ugly mug. Look at those fingers. I tell you just look. Look long enough that you get bored. That face, those fingers, have life — you are alive. For now my dearest friend — you need to look after that. The only way to do that is to love the smallest things — find something, anything, to love. Love needs lost of kindling, lots of whisps of air, so cosset that thing and blow gently and help the flames of love come alive. You are loved. I fucking well guarantee you — you are fucking loved. I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE PRECIOUS.
  • FEAR — be scared, be terrified, be utterly terrified. That rope, knife, pill, car will fucking hurt. Yip we agree on that. So don’t fucking do it — it will hurt worse that the pain trust me. If that doesn’t scream hurt at you then we have two other things to think on: The person you love most deeply (son, daughter, mother, father, friend, neighbour) will be hurt for the rest of their lives — do not doubt that. It will hurt others forever. MORE IMPORTANTLY — see bullet above — YOU ARE LOVED and you will be hurting the future joys you will find. Trust me there is joy on the other side of pain — so stay there — JOY can be found. Use the pain of today to find the JOY of tomorrow!
  • TIME — is a fucker. Right now all you can see, all you can feel, all you know is pain. Every aspect of your life has gone wrong, your struggles are going to win today, too many failures and loss have built up today. I know this TIME. It is not false. It is real — right now everything you see is REAL. PAIN is real. I know and at this moment there is nothing I can do to help — right now there is not. BUT….. trust me in this TIME changes everything. TIME will help you see the other side of the pain, find love anew, learn to live with fear. TIME will give you a second, a third, a hundreth chance — TIME heals.

Now — if you still with me one last thing. There is nothing more grand, more beautiful, more hopeful than an old battered scarred warrior walking back from the battlefield of the mental health wars. That fucker gives so many hope — so trust me only because you are where you are now will you be able to help those you love. Sorry about that — doesnt helpI know. BUt only because you are so lost will you be able to help those around you. They need you to be where you are now — because only then will you become the person that they need in their lives tomorrow. You will become your own HOPE, their HOPE, please HOPE for me just a little please.

So with LOVE, FEAR, TIME you will find HOPE.

Love you. Stay Alive.

Your “normal” self.

Using Medium, and writing, to work through my own internal machinery with the aim of learning, leading self and others, how to live a fuller, happier, life.